You're so nebulous sometimes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
