he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you traded sex for a burrito?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
