i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
