Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
