I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
