The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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