She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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