Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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