She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
