I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just forgot I was standing up.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
