I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
it hurts more in the daytime
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
