You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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