Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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