I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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