New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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