I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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