Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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