Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
