god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate all girls vehemently.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
