remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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