I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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