I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
