I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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