Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can't put those talents on a resume
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
