So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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