a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
