I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
