Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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