This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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