Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
