It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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