mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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