Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
