Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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