i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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