she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
