life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
