I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
