you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
