I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
