Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
