i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
