Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
