Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
