You made me cry and you don't even care
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
