new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
