you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
