dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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