I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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