1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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