My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
