i'm signing you up for texting rehab
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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