my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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