I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
