she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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