I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
