Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
