I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
