I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
